Author: Anonymous Page 150

Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty.

Definitions Golf Sports

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Conflict Crime People

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Characteristics

Alcohol: A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets.

Alcohol Definitions Food/Drink

Consciousness: The annoying time between naps.

Definitions

He’s not the one with his ass in a noose.

Mixed metaphors

“Another work week begins,” said Tom mundanely.

Tom Swifties

“She even flies her own jet,” Tom leered.

Tom Swifties

Automatic: If something is automatic, that simple means that you can’t repair it yourself.

Definitions Murphy’s Laws Problems

They'll never buy the cow if they can get the eggs for free.

Mixed metaphors

“It’s time for the second funeral,” Tom rehearsed.

Tom Swifties

You’re fighting upstream.

Mixed metaphors

An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.

Children Definitions Family

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone… yours.

Definitions Doctors

He’s still green behind the ears.

Mixed metaphors

Bridge: A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking.

Activities Definitions Games

Diet: A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.

Definitions Food/Drink

“Don’t you know my name?” asked Tom swiftly.

Tom Swifties

“I wish I could remember the name of that card game,” said Tom wistfully.

Tom Swifties