Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Anonymous Page 152
I put the pro in procrastinate.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Procrastination
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Anonymous
Emotions
Love
Marriage
Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.
Anonymous
Definitions
Things
Heirloom
Adolescents: People who never seem to realize that one day they will be as dumb as their parents.
Anonymous
Age
Definitions
Adolescents
Tavern: Thirst come, thirst served.
Anonymous
Definitions
Food/Drink
Tavern
“Now I can do some painting,” said Tom easily.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Broom: Witch craft.
Anonymous
Definitions
Broom
Optimist: A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants.
Anonymous
Body
Characteristics
Definitions
People
Optimist
I dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom, crestfallen.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars
Anonymous
Men
People
Women
She’s not the toughest cookie on the block.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Anonymous
Characteristics
People
Oxymorons
Prejudice
They'll have to
retaliate
the vote.
Anonymous
Malaprops
Count
Re-tabulate
Re-tally
Bureaucracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.
Anonymous
Definitions
Government
Bureaucracy
Plumber: A drain surgeon.
Anonymous
Definitions
Occupations
Plumber
It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.
Anonymous
Expressions
Places
A flat terrain
[Marriage] is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
Marriage
Consciousness: The annoying time between naps.
Anonymous
Definitions
Consciousness
“I’m a lot taller than I was yesterday,” said Tom gruesomely.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
The fights you avoid do you far more good than the ones you will win.
Anonymous
Conflict
Fights
Proverbs
It’s better to have half a cake and eat it and enjoy it, than not to have any cake at all.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
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