Author: Anonymous Page 152

I put the pro in procrastinate.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.

Adolescents: People who never seem to realize that one day they will be as dumb as their parents.

Tavern: Thirst come, thirst served.

“Now I can do some painting,” said Tom easily.

Broom: Witch craft.

Optimist: A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants.

I dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom, crestfallen.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars

She’s not the toughest cookie on the block.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

They'll have to retaliate the vote.

Bureaucracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.

Plumber: A drain surgeon.

It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.

[Marriage] is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Consciousness: The annoying time between naps.

“I’m a lot taller than I was yesterday,” said Tom gruesomely.

The fights you avoid do you far more good than the ones you will win.

It’s better to have half a cake and eat it and enjoy it, than not to have any cake at all.