Author: Anonymous Page 152

“No, I won’t give you a note saying you’re excused,” said Tom unwaveringly.

Tom Swifties

“I won’t stand for painting,” said Tom uneasily.

Tom Swifties

Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.

Definitions Emotions Love

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

Communication Men Speech Women

Both of my children had the chicken pops when they were young.

Health Malaprops

There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.

People

Lawyer: A fellow who is willing to go out and spend your last cent to prove he’s right.

Definitions Lawyers

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Intelligence

Philosophy: Common sense in a dress suit.

Definitions Intelligence Wisdom

Damp weather is very hard on the sciences.

Malaprops

Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

Definitions

Diet: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Definitions Food/Drink

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

Marriage Wives

“I teach at a university,” Tom professed.

Tom Swifties

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Definitions Politicians

“I’d like to make a toast,” Tom said warmly.

Tom Swifties

“Boy, will I give you a haircut!” said Tom barbarously.

Tom Swifties

Too slow to keep worms in a tin.

Intelligence People Stupidity

Cross-Eyed Teacher: A teacher that loses control over his or her pupils.

Definitions

Innocent Bystander: A person so simple-minded he doesn’t know enough to get out of the way.

Definitions

She don’t have the sense God gave a gopher.

Miscellaneous