Author: Anonymous Page 153

Middle Age: A time of life when winking at a girl is closing one eye to reality.

Age Definitions

Opportunist: A person who, finding himself in hot water, decides he needs a bath anyway.

Definitions Situations

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Definitions

He really grates me up the wrong way.

Mixed metaphors

Too slow to keep worms in a tin.

Intelligence People Stupidity

Liberal: One who tolerates all beliefs and opinions except those with which he disagrees.

Beliefs Definitions

Blushing: The color of virtue.

Definitions

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’

Definitions

“My garden needs another layer of mulch,” Tom repeated.

Tom Swifties

Harder’n baptizing a cat.

Expressions

B-Negative: A pessimist’s blood type.

Definitions

“Sorry, what I said was a no-brainer?” asked Tom absentmindedly.

Tom Swifties

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Characteristics

“I’m on social security,” said Tom dolefully.

Tom Swifties

Congress: A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen – and not enough U.S. Congressmen.

Congress Definitions Government

Brothel: Home is where the tart is.

Definitions

Billboards: Litter on a stick.

Definitions

Keep paying the electricity bill.

Health

Punctuality: Waiting around for other people.

Definitions

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.

Mixed metaphors

Good to be back on the old terracotta.

Malaprops