Author: Anonymous Page 153

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Animals Dogs Education

“I just bought a woollen sweater,” said Tom sheepishly.

Tom Swifties

He is so fat… his shadow weighs 12 pounds.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Beliefs Sex

Callous: Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

Characteristics Definitions

“My wife is cheating on me,” Tom cackled.

Tom Swifties

“Fire!” yelled Tom alarmingly.

Tom Swifties

This is no longer just a bubbling brook.

Malaprops

Gold Digger: A fund-loving girl.

Definitions

Dilemma: A politician trying to save both his faces at once.

Definitions Politicians Problems

Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg.

Mixed metaphors

Cricket: A game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of eternity.

Definitions Sports

“I have to wear this cast for another six weeks,” said Tom disjointedly.

Tom Swifties

Flirt: A girl who got the boy you wanted.

Definitions

It’s the best thing since sliced Spam.

Mixed metaphors

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” said Mary guilelessly.

Tom Swifties

Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Activities Definitions

Senility: The pleasantly rueful experience of forgetting what we’ve forgotten.

Age Definitions Intelligence Memory Old

Famous Last Words: “This is easy.”

Death Definitions

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Mixed metaphors

“I need some suspenders for my pants,” Tom upheld.

Tom Swifties