Author: Anonymous Page 156

Print the bulletins and get the information decimated.

Malaprops

It is so dry… I caught a catfish that had ticks on him.

Exaggerations Science/Weather

“I make the armor out of chain links,” Tom replied by mail.

Tom Swifties

… one says to the other her mum had a cyst on on her aviary.

Health Malaprops

Statistician: Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Definitions Occupations Work

Garage: An attic on a lower level.

Definitions

Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.

Definitions Marriage

“It’s my personal magnetism,” said Tom ironically.

Tom Swifties

Epigram: A half-truth so stated to irritate the person who believes the other half.

Definitions

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

Reckless Driver: One who passes you on the highway in spite of all you can do.

Definitions People

Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.

Activities Honesty Lies

We will burn that horse when we get there.

Mixed metaphors

Announce: Thirty grams or a sixteenth of a pound.

Definitions Wordplay

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Emotions Intelligence Laughter Thinking

Horse: An oatsmobile.

Animals Definitions

Economist: A man who knows more about money than the people who have it.

Definitions Occupations People

Insurance: A form of gambling in which we bet our chance of escaping disaster, and win only when we lose.

Definitions

There is no pancreas to the whole world's problems.

Malaprops

“I write elevator music,” Tom noted.

Tom Swifties

It's like pushing a rock upstream.

Mixed metaphors