Author: Anonymous Page 157

“Some day, people will be able to file lawsuits against computers,” said Tom soothingly.

Tom Swifties

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

Insults

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Animals

Charity begins at home… at about 6:30, when they call you and interrupt your dinner.

Characteristics

When my dad was explaining the facts of life to me, he drew me a big diaphragm.

Malaprops

A gentleman never swears at his wife when ladies are present.

Characteristics Men People

Liberal: Someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

Beliefs Characteristics Definitions

He was about as useless as the Pope's testicles.

Insults

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Education Religion School

I can syncronize with those homeless people.

Malaprops

Well, thats as clear as a bull in a china shop.

Mixed metaphors

As Bob is my witless

Malaprops

Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Death Definitions

Freelance: To collect unemployment.

Definitions Work

Diet: A brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.

Definitions Food/Drink

These two guys are cut out of the same mold.

Mixed metaphors

Small Town: A place where nothing happens every minute.

Definitions Places

… forced to wade through a mountain of red tape

Mixed metaphors

I understand that Congress has taken the first step in the fight against air pollution: limiting the speeches to five minutes.

Congress Government

“Who left the toilet seat down?” Tom asked peevishly.

Tom Swifties

He was bothered mentally mainly by the physical plague.

Mixed metaphors