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Admiral: A general at sea.

Definitions Military

Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 

Definitions Occupations Science/Weather

It was so cold… we had lunch at the "Greasy Spoon" – just for the heartburn.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

Graduate school: The place where a young scholar goes off their parents’ payroll – and on to their spouse’s.

Education School

If someone told him to haul ass he'd have to make six trips.

Appearance Body Expressions Fat

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Malaprops

Liberty: Consists in giving everyone full right to mind everyone else’s business.

Beliefs Characteristics Definitions

I can't answer that – it's out of my water.

Mixed metaphors

Which way are the tea leaves blowing?

Mixed metaphors

“The sun is rising,” Tom mourned.

Tom Swifties

Sleeping dogs bark the loudest.

Mixed metaphors

Specialist: A doctor whose patients are expected to confine their ailments to office hours.

Definitions Doctors Health

Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

Definitions

He was grinning like a butchers dog.

Emotions Expressions Happiness

Dog Kennel: A barking lot.

Animals Definitions Dogs

He's got too many oars in the fire.

Misspokements

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific paper.

Activities Definitions Drugs Science/Weather

Tears: Remorse code.

Definitions Wordplay

Teachers: United Mind Workers.

Definitions Education Wordplay

“I might as well be dead,” Tom croaked.

Tom Swifties

I have a lot of black sheep in my closet.

Mixed metaphors