Author: Anonymous Page 159

Even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then.

Miscellaneous

Philanthropist: One who returns to the people publicly what he steals from them privately.

Definitions People

“Everything in Texas is bigger,” he said in measured tones; “Even the cowboys,” he continued hoarsely.

Tom Swifties

He’d steal flies from a blind spider.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Definitions Food/Drink

“I must be on a visit”, Tom guessed.

Tom Swifties

Agreeable Person: One who agrees with me.

Definitions

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

Malaprops

You’re prettier than a spotted heifer in a pansy patch!

Appearance Expressions

During exams you are permitted to look down for inspiration and up in exasperation, but you are not permitted to look side to side for information.

Education

A well-adjusted man is one who can play golf as if it were a game.

Golf Sports

“Don’t add too much water,” said Tom with great concentration.

Tom Swifties

Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else’s position.

Marriage Sex

Alimony: The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof.

Definitions Marriage

“Here’s the story of the Liberty Bell”, Tom told us appealingly.

Tom Swifties

One good thing about apathy is you don’t have to exert yourself to show you’re sincere about it.

Characteristics

Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

Definitions Eating Food/Drink

Death is nature’s way of saying “Howdy.”

Death

Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.

Children Definitions Family

He is so fat… when he steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please."

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Definitions Health