Author: Anonymous Page 160

He was going to line up his ducks in a basket.

Mixed metaphors

Around here, it's always feast or phantom.

Malaprops

There's light at the end of this rainbow.

Mixed metaphors

“This is the fastest way to get drunk,” said Tom quixotically.

Tom Swifties

Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.

Beliefs Definitions God

It’s better to have half a cake and eat it and enjoy it, than not to have any cake at all.

Mixed metaphors

That will round out the triangle.

Mixed metaphors

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

Education School

“I was raised in a foster home,” said Tom transparently.

Tom Swifties

Prophylactic: A rubber check.

Definitions

He’d steal flies from a blind spider.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Beliefs Money People

Friend: Someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.

Definitions Friends People

“We have no oranges,” Tom said fruitlessly.

Tom Swifties

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

Situations Sleep

Egotist: A conceited ass who thinks he knows as much as you do.

Definitions Intelligence People Self

One brain washes the other.

Malaprops

As we consider the road that unfolds before us.

Mixed metaphors

Alarm Clock: That which scares the daylight out of you.

Definitions Wordplay

Telemarketer: A minimum waged person who calls a bunch of people on a list to sell them something that they probably don’t need, and gets hung up on because the person being called usually has a mouth full of food.

Definitions Occupations

Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Definitions Friends People