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State-Of-The-Art: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

Definitions

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

Work

They live in a two-storage house.

Malaprops

“Who’s your favorite operatic tenor?” Tom asked placidly.

Tom Swifties

Dieting: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Definitions Food/Drink

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Situations

I'm shooting from the seat of my pants.

Mixed metaphors

Good punctuation means not to be late.

Malaprops Time

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Situations

Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.

Definitions Situations

“Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I sleep in a wigwam; Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends I sleep in a teepee”, said Tom very attentively.

Tom Swifties

Patron: A customer who doesn't ask prices.

Definitions

Traffic Light: A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely.

Autos Definitions Things

At twenty, we don’t care what the world thinks of us; at thirty, we worry about what it’s thinking of us; at forty, we discover it isn’t thinking about us at all.

Age Intelligence

I can't answer that – it's out of my water.

Mixed metaphors

Stock Market: A popular game of chance in which moneyed speculators gamble with the nation’s economy, the object being to amass as much unearned income as possible before one’s fellow gamblers withdraw from the game and precipitate a nationwide depression.

Definitions Money

Newlywed: A man who puts up the storm windows the first time his wife suggests it.

Definitions Marriage

They're in the trenches; they're on the horse and they're riding it.

Mixed metaphors

You have to dance to a different drum.

Mixed metaphors

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Conflict Crime People

Home: The place where you can scratch any place you itch.

Definitions Places