Author: Anonymous Page 21

Never wave to a friend at an auction.

Situations

He breathes through his nose to keep from wearing out his teeth.

Expressions Frugal

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Situations Time

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Death Definitions

Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.

Definitions Emotions Love

Like stealing cake from a baby

Mixed metaphors

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Problems Situations

Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.

Definitions Time Work

Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.

Children Family

When sleeping dogs fly.

Mixed metaphors

Sympathizer: A fellow that’s for you as long as it doesn’t cost anything.

Definitions

We’re on the same page length.

Mixed metaphors

Take Home Pay: An amount of money which is called that because it is never big enough to go anywhere else with it.

Definitions Money

Wife Swapping: Sexual fourplay.

Definitions Marriage Sex Wordplay

Dictatorship: A place where public opinion can’t even be expressed privately.

Definitions Government

“This food tastes of plutonium,” said Tom glowingly.

Tom Swifties

Synonym: A word you use when you can’t spell the other word.

Definitions Language

Psychiatrist: A head coach.

Definitions Doctors Health

Invitro Fertilization: The innoculate conception.

Definitions

I've been mostly camping and living in hostiles.

Malaprops Places

“The exit is right there,” Tom pointed out.

Tom Swifties