Author: Anonymous Page 21

Never wave to a friend at an auction.

Situations

“I got this ballpoint pen from a Yugoslav friend”, said Tom acerbically.

Tom Swifties

The doctor felt the man's purse and thought it was awfully low.

Health Malaprops

The world is your lobster.

Mixed metaphors

Taxpayer: A person who has the government on his payroll.

Definitions Government Taxes

Group Discussion: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Definitions

When arguing with a stupid person, be sure he isn’t doing the same thing.

Fools Intelligence

Truck Driver: A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people.

Definitions Occupations

Modesty: Being comfortable that others will soon discover your greatness.

Definitions Self

Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

Definitions Occupations

That'll stick out like a red herring.

Mixed metaphors

Oar: Clumsy wooden implement used to moisten boat occupants.

Definitions Things

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Children Definitions Family

Conference: A meeting at which people talk about what they should already be doing.

Definitions

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.

People Sex

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage

Democracy: A system whereby the person who never votes can cuss out the man the other people elected.

Definitions Democracy Elections/Voting Government

Flood: A river too big for its bridges.

Definitions

The walls of medieval cathedrals were supported by flying buttocks.

Malaprops

Bulletin: Your receipt for attending church services.

Definitions

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather