Author: Anonymous Page 23

I am sorry to say that my affluence over my niece is very small.

Malaprops

“Fire!” yelled Tom alarmingly.

Tom Swifties

“Would you stop horsing around!” yelled Tom woefully.

Tom Swifties

Stomach: The home of the swallow.

Definitions

The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.

Education Malaprops

Bulletin: Your receipt for attending church services.

Definitions

Man blames most accidents on fate – but feels a more personal responsibility when he makes a hole-in-one on the golf course.

Golf Sports

America: A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

America Definitions Places

Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

Characteristics Money

“Who goes there!” the soldier called out haltingly.

Tom Swifties

Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Death Definitions

Goin’ around your ass to get to your elbow

Expressions

You buttered your bread, now sleep in it!

Mixed metaphors

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him; the smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.

Golf Sports

Happy as a frog in God's pocket

Emotions Expressions Happiness

Tact: The art of knowing how far one may go too far.

Communication Definitions

Apathy: Vigor mortis.

Definitions

If the baby is happy, don’t try to make it happier.

Family Proverbs

Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.

Definitions Family Parents

G String: Gownless evening strap.

Clothing Definitions

Father’s Day: The annual day in June set aside so merchants can get rid of their leftover Christmas ties and shaving lotion.

Definitions Time