Author: Anonymous Page 23

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Characteristics Expressions Situations

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Definitions Things

Accident: A thing that is caused by people, but often causes people.

Accidents Definitions Problems

He is so ugly… the psychiatrist makes him lie face down.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Expert: A person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.

Definitions

“I know which boyd gets the woym,” said Tom in an oily voice.

Tom Swifties

“Take me to the dance,” Mary bawled.

Tom Swifties

We can still hang our heads high.

Mixed metaphors

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

A bird in the hand is mightier than the sword.

Mixed metaphors

Social Diseases: Germs of endearment.

Definitions

“That is a sick bird,” said Tom illegally.

Tom Swifties

Oaf: An old fashioned jerk.

Definitions People

Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Death Definitions

When sleeping dogs fly.

Mixed metaphors

Toastmaster: A gentleman who introduces a gentleman who needs no introduction.

Definitions

Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of doing to his own.

Definitions Occupations

Acorn: An oak in a nutshell.

Definitions

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Insults Sex

Sanitation Worker: The title conferred on garbage men when they  started earning more than public school teachers.

Definitions Occupations

Absentee: A missing golfing peg.

Definitions Golf Sports