Author: Anonymous Page 27

When making picture frames, you’ll need a Midas box, so you can cut the angle right.

“I’ve gained thirty pounds,” said Tom heavily.

It was deader than a hangnail.

“Why shouldn’t I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

“Pass the playing cards,” said Tom ideally.

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him; the smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.

Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work.

We'd like a room with a southern explosion.

He was from Thailand or some other erotic place.

Home: A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays any attention to him.

Seeing a buzzard catch a rare phalarope is in bird-watching terms, like killing two birds with one stone.

Ability: What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

Diplomacy: The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away.

Communist: A fellow who will gladly divide his hunger and thirst with you if you’ll divide your beer and salami with him.

Armor: The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Easy: Used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

I saw a mosquito in Alaska so big… I could see his brand.

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.