Author: Anonymous Page 27

When making picture frames, you’ll need a Midas box, so you can cut the angle right.

Malaprops

“I’ve gained thirty pounds,” said Tom heavily.

Tom Swifties

It was deader than a hangnail.

Malaprops

“Why shouldn’t I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

Tom Swifties

“Pass the playing cards,” said Tom ideally.

Tom Swifties

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him; the smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.

Golf Sports

Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work.

Definitions

We'd like a room with a southern explosion.

Malaprops

He was from Thailand or some other erotic place.

Malaprops Places

Home: A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays any attention to him.

Definitions Places

Seeing a buzzard catch a rare phalarope is in bird-watching terms, like killing two birds with one stone.

Mixed metaphors

Ability: What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss.

Definitions

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Characteristics Intelligence

Justice: A decision in your favor.

Definitions

Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

Alcohol Definitions

Diplomacy: The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away.

Definitions

Communist: A fellow who will gladly divide his hunger and thirst with you if you’ll divide your beer and salami with him.

Definitions

Armor: The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Clothing Definitions

Easy: Used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Definitions People Sex Women

I saw a mosquito in Alaska so big… I could see his brand.

Animals Exaggerations Places

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

Definitions Doctors Health