Author: Anonymous Page 3

Character: What you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.

Definitions

Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.

Definitions

Men are like lawnmowers: they’re hard to get started, emit noxious odors and half the time they don’t work.

Men People

Indifference: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

Definitions

Bargain: Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist.

Activities Definitions Shopping

His nose is so big… he has to lift it to eat.

Appearance Body Exaggerations

Close the barn door after you've led the horse to water.

Mixed metaphors

She makes pancakes so thin they’ve got just one side to them.

Expressions Food/Drink Frugal Money

“I’m going window shopping,” said Tom listlessly.

Tom Swifties

You could take that guy with a grain a salt.

Mixed metaphors

Fishing: A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second.

Activities Definitions

Television: A watching machine.

Entertainment Television

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Definitions Things

In the nineteenth century, life was hard for Europe’s pheasants.

Malaprops People Poverty

“Zoos are a necessary evil, I think,” said Tom cagily.

Tom Swifties

Photostatic memory

Malaprops

Till the cows freeze over.

Mixed metaphors

Spinster: An unlusted number.

Definitions People Women

Younger Generation: A group that is alike in many disrespects.

Age Definitions People Young

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him; the smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.

Golf Sports

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Definitions Occupations