Author: Anonymous Page 31

New systems generate new problems.

Murphy’s Laws

I rented The Cool Surface last week; words can't describe how awful it is. I'm a big Teri Hatcher fan, but a rental… is $2.75 thrown down the drain. Save your money by reading the attached plot synopsis: 
[WARNING: spoiler follows] Teri Hatcher has breasts. They look OK.

Reviews/Criticism

Teacher: A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been doing both ever since.

Definitions Education

Courtship: When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is.

Definitions Relationships

Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

Children Definitions Family

X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

Definitions Men People

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Malaprops

Rugby: A game played by gentlemen with odd-shaped balls.

Definitions Sports

Let’s not open that can of worms until we get this one nailed down.

Mixed metaphors

Penicillin: What to give a man who has everything.

Definitions Health Wordplay

He is so old… I told him to act his own age, and he died.

Age Exaggerations Old

He is so fat… when he gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Definitions Food/Drink

I saw a mosquito in Alaska so big… I could see his brand.

Animals Exaggerations Places

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Appearance Body Language

A falling nozzle will turn toward you and land on its trigger.

Problems Things

I just asked you what time it was, not how a watch works.

Communication Expressions

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of justice for all

Mixed metaphors

You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.

Age Ideas

“There’s someone at the front door,” Tom chimed in.

Tom Swifties