Author: Anonymous Page 32

I turned a blind eye to all that bad stuff I was hearing.

Mixed metaphors

Abash: A high school graduation party.

Definitions

“Our local clergyman has a toothache,” said Tom vicariously.

Tom Swifties

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

Problems

Business: Something which, if you don’t have any, you go out of.

Definitions

Disrespect: Giving someone half of the peace sign without suggesting they’re number one.

Definitions

Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.

Definitions Things

Close the barn door after you've led the horse to water.

Mixed metaphors

After-Dinner Speaker: A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them.

Definitions

Honest Politician: One who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

Definitions Government Politicians

He is so fat… when he joined Overeaters Anonymous and they make him a chapter.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Faster than a dog's tail in a meat market.

Expressions Time

Wolf: A fellow who wants his hands on a girl, but doesn’t want a girl on his hands.

Definitions Men People

“I could stand to lose 50% of my body weight”, said Tom affably.

Tom Swifties

I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optometrist.

Malaprops

Yawn: Opening one’s mouth and wishing that others would close theirs.

Definitions

She is so ugly… when she walked in to Taco Bell, everyone ran for the border.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Anatomy: Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl.

Appearance Body Definitions

Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record.

Definitions

Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’t understand.

Definitions Science/Weather

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Beliefs Communication