Author: Anonymous Page 35

I once knew a woman who offered her honor, so I honored her offer, and all night long I was on her and off her.

Sex Wordplay

Gold Digger: A woman after all.

Definitions People Women Wordplay

Sympathy: What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.

Definitions Emotions

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

Sex

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Problems Situations

“Have you seen my collection of ancient Chinese artifacts?” asked Tom charmingly.

Tom Swifties

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Definitions People

Prophylactic: A rubber check.

Definitions

Brilliant sunshine rained down on the city.

Misspokements Mixed metaphors

The head of the body overseeing youth justice…

Mixed metaphors

Argument: A discussion where two people try to get the last word in first

Definitions

Sprouts: Innocent green plants snatched in their infancy and devoured alive by ravenous vegetarians.

Definitions Food/Drink

“This looks like the fruit of the blackthorn,” said Tom slowly.

Tom Swifties

Alimony: The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof.

Definitions Marriage

If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what idiot came up with quit while you're ahead?

People Situations

She's so fat… when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Borrower: A man who tries to live within your means.

Definitions

War without France would be like… World War II.

Conflict Places War

She’s so ugly she makes onions cry.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.

Definitions Sex Wordplay

He'll take your head off at the blink of a hat.

Mixed metaphors