Author: Anonymous Page 35

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Entertainment Marriage Sex Television

Amateur: One who is always willing to give you the benefit of his inexperience

People

I would not trust him with a ten foot pole.

Mixed metaphors

I keep trying to lose weight… but it keeps finding me.

Appearance Body Fat

“I’d better repeat that SOS message,” said Tom remorsefully.

Tom Swifties

You could take that guy with a grain a salt.

Mixed metaphors

In the nineteenth century, life was hard for Europe’s pheasants.

Malaprops People Poverty

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Children Communication Family Honesty Lies Speech Truth

Silence is bliss.

Mixed metaphors

We certainly don't want to rock the apple cart.

Mixed metaphors

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Autos Definitions Things

Fiddlesticks: Violin bows.

Definitions

Politicians are like diapers; they both need changing regularly and for the same reason.

Government Politicians

It's time to swallow the bullet.

Mixed metaphors

“It’s become much bigger,” said Tom with a groan.

Tom Swifties

… on hollowed ground

Malaprops

Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products.

Definitions Shopping

Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop.

Activities Definitions

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Definitions Food/Drink