Author: Anonymous Page 36

Amateur: One who is always willing to give you the benefit of his inexperience

People

Doctors told me that if my uncle had lived, he most likely would have been a vegetarian.

Health Malaprops

His car is so expensive the radiator requires Perrier.

Autos Exaggerations Things

Caramel: A substance for extracting children’s teeth.

Definitions Food/Drink

It is so hot… potatoes cook underground.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

Indifference: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

Definitions

“No, I won’t give you a note saying you’re excused,” said Tom unwaveringly.

Tom Swifties

When all is said and done, more is said than done.

Communication Speech

“Is it true that some animals will eat their own babies?” asked Tom literately.

Tom Swifties

Calendar: An attempt, underwritten by the principal religions, to make the heavenly bodies keep regular hours.

Definitions

Adolescence is the time in life when a youngster is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

Age Education

“The cat sounds as if she’s happy now she’s been fed,” said Tom purposefully.

Tom Swifties

Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon.

Definitions

Organic Farm: Tilling like it is.

Definitions

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you're buying again.

Definitions Things

He is so fat… he can't even jump to a conclusion.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Diplomat: Someone who can lose all the points and still win the game.

Definitions

Men are like textbooks: you have to spend a lot of time between the covers to gain a small amount of satisfaction.

Books Education Men People Reading/Writing

When it comes to paying, he’s the first to put his hand in his pocket… and leave it there.

Frugal Money

Deep pockets… short arms

Expressions

A carpenter was the low rung on a totem pole.

Mixed metaphors