Author: Anonymous Page 36

“2 bdrm furn w 5 appl”, said Tom aptly.

Tom Swifties

Boxing: A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public.

Boxing Definitions Sports

He’s crooked as a barrel full of fish hooks.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty Insults

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Problems

He’s a bad influenza on me.

Malaprops

Courage: Fear in action.

Definitions

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Definitions

Fountain pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.

Definitions Things

She tried to use reverse psychiatry on me.

Malaprops

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Characteristics God Life

She is so ugly… when she walked in to Taco Bell, everyone ran for the border.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

When I ask what time it is – I don't need to know how the watch is built.

Communication Expressions Speech

Make like a tree and head out.

Mixed metaphors

White Supremacists: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.

Beliefs Definitions Intelligence People

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

Doctors Health

Interpreter: A ventriloquist using two dummies.

Communication Definitions Language

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

Exaggerations Science/Weather

Teenagers: Those old enough to know everything.

Age Definitions

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Communication Health Language Reading/Writing

“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,” said Tom heartlessly.

Tom Swifties

Woman: A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her, and unreasonable that she might love man.

Definitions People