Author: Anonymous Page 38

He is so ugly… the psychiatrist makes him lie face down.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

“I always eat at McDonald’s”, said Tom archly.

Tom Swifties

We heard the sea is infatuated with sharks.

Animals Malaprops

Blushing: The color of virtue.

Definitions

Dieting is not a piece of cake.

Food/Drink

Martial Arts: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs – amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one’s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

Definitions

Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.

Activities Definitions Games

Borrower: A man who tries to live within your means.

Definitions

The squeaky wheel wins.

Mixed metaphors

“It’s a German song,” Tom lied.

Tom Swifties

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

People Women

Step up to the plate and pick up the gauntlet.

Mixed metaphors

“What’s the value of a dollar bill?” asked Tom noteworthily.

Tom Swifties

“I think I’ve broken my leg ”, reported Tom lamely.

Tom Swifties

She looked at me like a cow looking at a new gate.

Appearance Characteristics Expressions Intelligence

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.

People Sex

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Health

“I’ve struck oil!” said Tom crudely.

Tom Swifties

Gardener: A man who never lets grass grow under his feet.

Definitions

Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Men People

That’s a kettle of fish of a different color.

Mixed metaphors