Author: Anonymous Page 4

Window Screen: A device for keeping flies in the house.

Definitions Things

Nervous as a hound pissing peach pits

Emotions Expressions

You’ve really put your finger on the nail there.

Mixed metaphors

Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

Definitions

Woman: A person who needs a shoe larger on the inside than outside.

Definitions People

Never judge a book by its title.

Mixed metaphors

“I won’t stand for painting,” said Tom uneasily.

Tom Swifties

Easy: Used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Definitions People Sex Women

“I don’t like going to museums,” he said artlessly.

Tom Swifties

The guy literally flew down the stairs!

Malaprops

Archaeology is the science that proves you can’t keep a good man down.

Science/Weather Wordplay

Conscience: The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it.

Definitions

Plagiarism: Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.

Definitions Ideas Reading/Writing

Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Definitions People

Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.

Definitions

The shit’s gonna hit the stick.

Mixed metaphors

Umpire: The original strike arbitrator.

Definitions Wordplay

You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.

Success

Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.

Accidents Body Mind Problems

If the baby is happy, don’t try to make it happier.

Family Proverbs

“I am not full of hot air,” Tom belched.

Tom Swifties