Author: Anonymous Page 40

They're a legend before their time.

Mixed metaphors

“I got demoted,” Tom admitted privately.

Tom Swifties

Selfishness: Annoying quality of someone who has what I want, but is not prepared to give it to me.

Definitions

My uncle died of Lou Sterrett's disease.

Health Malaprops

From now on, I’m watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.

Mixed metaphors

Testosterone: Hormone which causes facial hair, muscularity, a deep voice, speeding tickets, the desire to watch professional wrestling, Arnold Shwarzenegger movies, war, fist fights, and the need to purchase cocktails for women with names like “Boom Boom. ”

Definitions Men

Prejudice: A great time-saver that enables one to form opinions without bothering to get the facts.

Definitions

Vacation: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

Definitions

She is so slow… she has to speed up to stop.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

It is so hot… potatoes cook underground.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

Alcohol is ok in modification.

Alcohol Food/Drink Malaprops

“I don’t like this Chardonnay,” Tom whined.

Tom Swifties

She raped him in a blanket.

Malaprops Situations

He is so fat… his driver's license says, “picture continued on other side.”

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work.

Definitions

improvise

Tom Swifties

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

Definitions Family

God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project.

Beliefs God

“I used to command a battalion of German ants,” said Tom exuberantly.

Tom Swifties

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

Expressions Marriage

Can’t act… slightly bald… also dances.

Acting Dance Entertainment