Author: Anonymous Page 40

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!

Autos Things

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.

Tom Swifties

What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity.

Insults Intelligence Stupidity

It was so cold… pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Communication Language

I looked to see what I could hear.

Mixed metaphors

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Autos Husbands Marriage Wives

Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.

Children Expressions Family

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Definitions Science/Weather

Right there on the tip of my brain

Mixed metaphors

He’s so crooked that when he dies, they’re going to have to screw him into the ground.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage

“Use your own toothbrush!” Tom bristled.

Tom Swifties

When your head is in the bear's mouth, it is not the time to be smacking him on the nose.

Communication Problems

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

“Oops! There goes my hat!” said Tom off the top of his head.

Tom Swifties

Education: Forcing abstract ideas into concrete heads.

Definitions Ideas Intelligence

 “My parents are called Billy and Nanny,” Tom kidded.

Tom Swifties

Ice Fishing: Winter fishing method in which anglers use a variety of specialized equipment to catch colds.

Definitions

Cannibals are not vegetarians, they are humanitarians.

Food/Drink People

“I wish I had something to write with,” Tom said pensively.

Tom Swifties