Author: Anonymous Page 41

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Time

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle.

Golf Sports

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Sports

Astronomer: Night watchman.

Definitions Occupations

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

Exaggerations Science/Weather

Willy-Nilly: Impotent.

Miscellaneous

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Characteristics

Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.

Beliefs Definitions God

“This blood-sucking insect likes French cheese,” said Tom briefly.

Tom Swifties

“Here’s your allowance for the next two weeks,” Tom advanced.

Tom Swifties

“My pants are too tight,” Tom burst out.

Tom Swifties

Seeing a buzzard catch a rare phalarope is in bird-watching terms, like killing two birds with one stone.

Mixed metaphors

Consultant: Someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Definitions

“I visit my parents every Sunday,” said Tom weakly.

Tom Swifties

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Definitions Money

“I swallowed some of the glass from that broken window,” Tom said painfully.

Tom Swifties

Faster than a dog's tail in a meat market.

Expressions Time

Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.

Clothing Definitions

The bottom line boils down to…

Mixed metaphors

He ain’t got enough sense to poor piss out of a boot.

Expressions Intelligence Stupidity

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

Definitions Marriage