Author: Anonymous Page 44

Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.

Definitions

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Definitions Family

Conscience: A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it.

Definitions

Twins: Infant replay.

Children Definitions Family

Zeal: A nervous disorder affecting the young and inexperienced.

Characteristics Definitions

Mission Statement: A long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.

Definitions

“Watch this insect sail through the air,” said Tom flippantly.

Tom Swifties

Celebrity: A person whose name is in everything but the telephone book.

Definitions

“My garden needs another layer of mulch,” Tom repeated.

Tom Swifties

“I see myself as an open-minded person,” Tom said upon reflection.

Tom Swifties

Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.

Definitions Money Past Time

I dropped the toothpaste,” said Tom, crestfallen.

Tom Swifties

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Communication Language

I’m gonna dig in my feet on this one.

Mixed metaphors

Let’s start at square zero.

Mixed metaphors

Optometrist: A person you have to see.

Definitions Doctors

“Why shouldn’t I stir my coffee with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

Tom Swifties

“I’ve never had a car accident,” said Tom recklessly.

Tom Swifties

Please excuse Betty from school Tuesday, she had a cold and could not breed well.

Health Malaprops

A bird in the hand is worth two in the tush.

Malaprops

“They had to amputate them both at the ankles,” said Tom defeatedly.

Tom Swifties