Author: Anonymous Page 44

Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.

Malaprops

“The vegetables are overcooked!” she steamed.

Tom Swifties

“Okay, you can switch on the electric chair now,” said Tom conceitedly.

Tom Swifties

Too many skeletons in her background

Mixed metaphors

He is so fat… when he steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please."

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

He is so dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

“I shall see to it well in advance,” said Tom tenderly.

Tom Swifties

Statesman: A politician who is held upright by equal pressure from all directions.

Definitions Politicians

Easy reading is damned hard writing.

Communication Reading/Writing

“I’m not myself, today,” said Tom, being frank.

Tom Swifties

Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.

Definitions

Y Chromosome: The cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

Definitions Men People

Conscience: An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching.

Definitions

“Yes, we have no bananas,” Tom said fruitlessly.

Tom Swifties

Management: A class of semi-skilled corporate hirelings whose rise within the organization correlates directly with the amount of work they delegate to their more-talented underlings.

Definitions Work

I am sorry to say that my affluence over my niece is very small.

Malaprops

The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws Success

America: A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there.

America Definitions Places

Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more.

Activities Definitions

He experienced some rectal breeding.

Malaprops

Communist: A guy who borrows your pot to cook your goose.

Definitions