Author: Anonymous Page 45

Martial Arts: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs – amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one’s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

Definitions

This is the problem we are wringing our hair over.

Mixed metaphors

“I didn’t do well in the test,” Tom said degradedly.

Tom Swifties

Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it.

Definitions

Reunion: When you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you.

Definitions People

Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.

Definitions Emotions Happiness

Director: The one who always faces the music.

Definitions Music

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

Communication People Speech

Men are like parking spaces: the good ones are already taken and the ones left are either too small or disabled.

Men People

Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

Definitions

Optometrist: A person you have to see.

Definitions Doctors

“Why is this telephone flex always tangled?” asked Tom coyly.

Tom Swifties

Executive: A man who talks to visitors so the other employees can get their work done.

Definitions Occupations Work

Self-made Man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.

Definitions

Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of doing to his own.

Definitions Occupations

“I couldn’t believe there were 527,986 bees in the swarm!” Tom recounted.

Tom Swifties

Alcohol is ok in modification.

Alcohol Food/Drink Malaprops

A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.

Children Family

Automated: A couple making love in a car.

Definitions

Abasement: A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth and power.

Definitions

“We’ll need a higher price at auction,” Tom said morbidly.

Tom Swifties