Author: Anonymous Page 47

Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.

Definitions Situations

We should go metric every inch of the way.

Language Science/Weather

I.T.: Customer Support without the common sense.

Definitions

“I’m on social security,” said Tom dolefully.

Tom Swifties

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention.

People

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

Education Insults

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Definitions Science/Weather

I’d sooner be in hell with my back broke.

Expressions Situations

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’

Definitions

“Congratulations; you graduated,” said Tom diplomatically.

Tom Swifties

Lecture: A process by which the notes of the professor become the notes of the student, without passing through the minds of either.

Definitions Education School

Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Definitions Friends People

Etiquette: The noise you don’t make while eating soup.

Definitions

What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity.

Insults Intelligence Stupidity

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle.

Golf Sports

Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Definitions Wordplay

I’m just talking out loud.

Mixed metaphors

Don't count your chickens until you see the whites of their eyes.

Mixed metaphors

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.

Tom Swifties

Looting: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Crime Definitions

Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies.

Definitions