Author: Anonymous Page 50

Clear Conscience: Poor memory.

Definitions

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.

Situations

Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

Crime Definitions

To make the drawers work better, rub them with paraphernalia.

Malaprops

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

“I’ve still got two fingers left,” said Tom handsomely.

Tom Swifties

Garden: Something that dies if you don’t water it, and rots if you do.

Definitions

Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter.

Mixed metaphors

He had to use a fire distinguisher.

Malaprops

“By convention!” cussed Tom airily.

Tom Swifties

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

He ain’t got enough sense to poor piss out of a boot.

Expressions Intelligence Stupidity

Doctor: The only man who hasn’t a guaranteed cure for a cold.

Definitions Doctors Health

Whenever you hear the word save, it is usually the beginning of an advertisement designed to make you spend money.

Communication Language Money

She is so stupid… she took a blood test and failed.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

Center Of Mass: The Priest.

Definitions

A rolling stone kills no birds.

Mixed metaphors

“I have to check the score on this exam again,” Tom remarked.

Tom Swifties

Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.

Definitions Marriage

The cost of the hairdo is directly related to the strength of the wind.

Appearance Hair Murphy’s Laws