Author: Anonymous Page 50

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

Marriage Wives

Don't mind me, I'm just a mouse on the wall.

Mixed metaphors

Second Place: The first loser.

Definitions

A bird in the hand is worth two in the tush.

Malaprops

Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of fifteen cents.

Definitions

Jealousy: The tribute mediocrity pays to genius.

Characteristics Definitions

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Characteristics God Life

Jury: A group of 12 people, who, having lied to the judge about their health, hearing, and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

Definitions

They’re clearly up the creek without a leg to stand on

Mixed metaphors

Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.

Definitions

Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Beer Science/Weather

Spanking: Stern punishment.

Definitions

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Work

Show me an archaeologist, and I’ll show you a man who practices skull drudgery.

Science/Weather Wordplay

Middle Age: That time of life when you'd rather not have a good time than recover from it. 

Age Definitions

Courtesy: Acceptable hypocrisy.

Definitions

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Computers Definitions Things

Close the barn door after you've led the horse to water.

Mixed metaphors

Death: A breath-taking experience.

Death Definitions

Our ship was caught in a typhoid.

Malaprops

When you boil it down to its nuts and bolts

Mixed metaphors