Author: Anonymous Page 50

She is so fat… she can't even jump to conclusions.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Vacation: A change of routine that makes you feel good enough to go back to work and poor enough to have to.

Definitions

Statistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either.

Definitions Occupations

Untold Wealth: That which does not appear on income tax returns.

Definitions Government Money Taxes

She is so ugly… when she goes swimming the tide goes out.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

The niblick, with its heavy head of iron, is a capital club for knocking down solicitors.

Golf Sports

Like a four-horned billy goat

Expressions

Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.

Children Definitions Family

Optimist: Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.

Definitions

I wish I could play my normal game… just once.

Golf Sports

Users: Computer users are divided into three types: Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people's computers.

Computers Definitions People Things

Compromise: A deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted.

Definitions

That's a huge weight lifted off my head.

Mixed metaphors

Now the shoe is on the other horse!

Mixed metaphors

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people – you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

Characteristics People

Smuggler: One who neglects his duty to his country.

Definitions Wordplay

Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.

Malaprops

Great American: What speakers call a man when they can’t think of anything specifically complimentary to say.

Definitions

The writing is on the wall for bookshops.

Mixed metaphors

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale.

Definitions Family

“The insect in William’s hand is wearing a yarmulka!” said Tom jubilantly.

Tom Swifties