Author: Anonymous Page 51

I wouldn't touch the metric measuring system with a 3.048m pole.

Language Science/Weather

Shoplifting: Free enterprise.

Conflict Crime Definitions

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

Golf is not a game, it’s bondage; it was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.

Golf Sports

Mission Statement: A long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.

Definitions

“Europe needs more self-restraint,” said Tom continently.

Tom Swifties

He is so fat… his high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Happy as a frog in God's pocket

Emotions Expressions Happiness

Executive: An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head.

Definitions Occupations

“I work at a bank,” said Tom tellingly.

Tom Swifties

“Pass me the shellfish,” said Tom crabbily.

Tom Swifties

She is so ugly… when she goes swimming the tide goes out.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening… but this wasn't it.

Situations

Cold: An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor’s care, and in fourteen days without it.

Definitions Doctors Health

Fifty percent of people have a below-average understanding of statistics.

People Science/Weather

Sarcasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

Communication Definitions

Cold War: Hot peace.

Conflict Definitions

Death: A breath-taking experience.

Death Definitions

Vice: A function to keep virtue within reasonable bounds.

Definitions

Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.

Children Family

I hate to put you through all this rigor mortis.

Mixed metaphors