Author: Anonymous Page 51

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention.

People

Wild whores could not drag me away.

Malaprops

Censor: A person who sticks his noes into other people’s business.

Definitions

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

Clothing Malaprops

“I used to feed the lions at the zoo,” said Tom offhandedly.

Tom Swifties

“This wind is awful,” blustered Tom.

Tom Swifties

Great Timesaver: Love at first sight.

Definitions

If the hours are long enough and the pay is short enough, someone will say it's women's work.

Money People Women Work

Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.

Marriage Men People Sex Women

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll – and on to his wife’s.

Definitions Education School

Autumn is the most beautiful time of the year to the person who has no leaves to rake.

Science/Weather

Hypochondriac: Someone who enjoys bad health.

Definitions Health

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Definitions Food/Drink

Liberty: Consists in giving everyone full right to mind everyone else’s business.

Beliefs Characteristics Definitions

It could turn on a dime like a stallion.

Mixed metaphors

Chicken guarding the hen house

Mixed metaphors

Love: The triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Definitions Emotions Love

“They had to amputate them both at the ankles,” said Tom defeatedly.

Tom Swifties

College: A four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Definitions Education School

Experience: A form of knowledge acquired only two ways: by doing and being done.

Definitions

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Appearance Clothing Wives