Author: Anonymous Page 52

“We can’t let the fire die out,” Tom bellowed.

Tom Swifties

Communist: A fellow who will gladly divide his hunger and thirst with you if you’ll divide your beer and salami with him.

Definitions

Insanity: Knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can’t stop it.

Definitions

“I could stand to lose 50% of my body weight”, said Tom affably.

Tom Swifties

He looks like a bag of antlers.

Appearance Body Expressions

The most important decision is that of excepting Jesus in your life.

Malaprops

He's the meanest man on the face of the universe.

Mixed metaphors

Old Age: When you wink at a girl and she says, “Something wrong with your eyes?”

Age Definitions

“Elvis is dead,” said Tom expressly.

Tom Swifties

Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.

Definitions Emotions Love

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

Definitions Money

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

“Your fly is undone,” was Tom’s zippy rejoinder.

Tom Swifties

The monkey is in your court.

Mixed metaphors

Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.

Appearance Definitions

“This fabric is not good enough to make a bolero,” said Tom unravellingly.

Tom Swifties

Modesty: Being comfortable that others will soon discover your greatness.

Definitions Self

Orthodox: Bone doctors.

Definitions Doctors

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

Doctors Health

Accountant: Someone hired to explain that you didn’t make the money you did.

Definitions Occupations

Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

Definitions