Author: Anonymous Page 54

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars

Men People Women

“I feel so empty,” said Tom vacuously.

Tom Swifties

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Situations Time

Trick Photography: Focus pocus.

Definitions

Puberty: The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible.

Age Definitions

Counterfeiter: A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example.

Definitions

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

Things

“I have to fix the car,” said Tom mechanically.

Tom Swifties

There is no indigestion worse that that which comes from having to eat your own words.

Communication

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Communication Language

Married at the hip

Mixed metaphors

One hundred degrees better

Mixed metaphors

As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Animals Appearance Dogs Expressions Ugly

If he were alive today, he’d be turning over in his grave.

Mixed metaphors

Patron: A customer who doesn't ask prices.

Definitions

Barber: The town cutup.

Definitions Wordplay

Reckless Driver: One who passes you on the highway in spite of all you can do.

Definitions People

Gossip: Something negative that is developed and then enlarged.

Definitions

You’re fighting upstream.

Mixed metaphors

We were like two ships sinking in the night.

Malaprops

Derange: Where de buffalo roam.

Definitions