Author: Anonymous Page 56

Fiddler: A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars

He is so old… I told him to act his own age, and he died.

“Everything Albert says is so obvious”, said Tom altruistically.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

That’s a kettle of fish of a different color.

“Would you like some soda?” asked Tom caustically.

Vice: A function to keep virtue within reasonable bounds.

“Dorothy, if you’re going to Oz again, I’m going with you,” Em barked.

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.

“It’s homemade soup,” said Tom uncannily.

Spinster: A lady in waiting.

I got a run in my neon stockings.

“No ellipses, parabolas or hyperbolas,” said Tom laconically.

It was so cold… we didn't clean the house – we just defrosted it.

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Boxing: A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public.

“I punched him in the stomach three times,” said Tom triumphantly.

Bridge: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding.

Waffle: A pancake with a nonskid tread.