Author: Anonymous Page 57

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Government Intelligence Law

Alcatraz: A pen with a lifetime guarantee.

Definitions Wordplay

“The sun is rising,” Tom mourned.

Tom Swifties

Middle Age: That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even.

Age Definitions

She is so stupid… she took a blood test and failed.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

No two people in a car can agree on which window should be open… and how much.

Autos Things

Whistle: Wind having a narrow escape.

Definitions

Infinity – where no-one can get, but where all lines meet.

Science/Weather

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle.

Golf Sports

Communist: One who has yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings.

Definitions

“I won’t play for this team any longer,” Tom decided.

Tom Swifties

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Communication Language

I can’t make these split-minute decisions.

Mixed metaphors

His ears are so big… he heard the sun come up.

Appearance Body Exaggerations

Senility: The pleasantly rueful experience of forgetting what we’ve forgotten.

Age Definitions Intelligence Memory Old

I feel like death eatin’ a soda cracker.

Expressions Health

He is so fat… in the summer he can sell shade.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Father’s Day: The annual day in June set aside so merchants can get rid of their leftover Christmas ties and shaving lotion.

Definitions Time

Growing up the trellis were pink and yellow concubines.

Malaprops

Demagogue: A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

Definitions

Worst case Ontario.

Malaprops