Author: Anonymous Page 58

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Definitions

Recycling of animal protein in feed proved a recipe for disaster.

Mixed metaphors

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.

Alcohol Food/Drink People

“I have a delivery of shoes for the prisoners,” said Tom consolingly.

Tom Swifties

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

A heart as big as gold

Mixed metaphors

Camp: Where parents spend $1,000 for eight weeks to teach their child to make a 25-cent ash tray.

Definitions

If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

Characteristics Marriage Men

“I’m going after that red fish,” said Tom erringly.

Tom Swifties

We can still hang our heads high.

Mixed metaphors

My husband could have had any women he pleased – he just couldn't please any!

Husbands Marriage Women

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Housework Work

Dictator: A self-madman.

Definitions

Humility: The ability to act ashamed when you tell people how wonderful you are.

Definitions

“The bank doesn’t want me as a customer,” said Tom unaccountably.

Tom Swifties

“It’s made the grass wet,” said Tom after due consideration.

Tom Swifties

Science Fiction: Fairy tales for nerds.

Communication Definitions Science/Weather

This is really a jack of all trades and master of non.

Misspokements

He is so ugly… when he walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Like socks on a rooster

Expressions

It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.

Expressions Places