Author: Anonymous Page 58

Two in every one people in this country are schizophrenic.

People

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box whilst a draft dodger lives in the White House.

America Places Situations

Can’t act… slightly bald… also dances.

Acting Dance Entertainment

Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.

Activities Definitions Games

Behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow.

Malaprops

I feel like death eatin’ a soda cracker.

Expressions Health

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Definitions Situations Things

Tips: Wages we pay other people’s help.

Definitions

Dictator: A self-madman.

Definitions

Bore: One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.

Definitions Self

One hundred degrees better

Mixed metaphors

Historians: People who won’t let bygones be bygones.

Definitions History Occupations Time

She's tall enough to go duck huntin' with a rake.

Appearance Body Expressions

Manners: Noises you don’t make when eating soup.

Definitions

“I invested in a hi-tech startup,” Tom ventured.

Tom Swifties

“I could stand to lose 50% of my body weight”, said Tom affably.

Tom Swifties

Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg.

Mixed metaphors

“That’s nothing!” said Tom naughtily.

Tom Swifties

He’d steal flies from a blind spider.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty

She is so ugly… she has to trick or treat over the phone.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

I'm happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard.

Miscellaneous