Author: Anonymous Page 6

The [outdoor] sculpture park has opened its doors for the summer.

Mixed metaphors

Innocent Bystander: A person so simple-minded he doesn’t know enough to get out of the way.

Definitions

Bureaucracy: The art of making the possible seem impossible.

Definitions

“I’m not going to give up anything this Easter,” said Tom relentlessly.

Tom Swifties

Philanderer: A man who considers himself too good to be true.

Definitions People Self

He’s so lazy, he’d marry a pregnant woman.

Characteristics Expressions

Misconception: A pregnancy occurring while taking birth control pills.

Definitions

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Emotions Intelligence Laughter Thinking

Don't stand behind a coughing cow.

Miscellaneous Proverbs

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’

Definitions

“I’d like to make a toast,” Tom said warmly.

Tom Swifties

Luxury Resort: One where a waiter expects a $2 tip when he presents a $6 bill for serving a $3.50 bottle of beer.

Definitions

Earthquake: A topographical error.

Definitions

So skinny she’d have to stand up twice to make a shadow.

Appearance Body Expressions

“This boat is leaking,” said Tom balefully.

Tom Swifties

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Computers Definitions Things

A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.

Children Family

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Time

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

"Welcome to my tomb," said Tom cryptically.

Tom Swifties

“I think we were cheated,” Tom recounted.

Tom Swifties