Author: Anonymous Page 6

Eating humble crow

Misspokements

Lecture: A process by which the notes of the professor become the notes of the student, without passing through the minds of either.

Definitions Education School

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

Definitions Family

Users: Computer users are divided into three types: Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people's computers.

Computers Definitions People Things

I saw a mosquito in Alaska so big… I could see his brand.

Animals Exaggerations Places

[Marriage] is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Marriage

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it.

Murphy’s Laws Time

“I have a BA in social work,” said Tom with a degree of concern.

Tom Swifties

“We can’t accommodate any more peripherals,” said Tom bus-ily.

Tom Swifties

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

Definitions Money

Income Tax: The entry fee for the rat race.

Definitions Government Taxes

“Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?” asked Tom unselfconsciously.

Tom Swifties

Miser: One who’s perfectly content to let the rest of the world go buy.

Definitions

Luck: An explanation for the other fellows’ success.

Definitions

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations

Hypochondriac: One who can’t leave well-enough alone.

Definitions Health

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

Mixed metaphors

“This looks like the fruit of the blackthorn,” said Tom slowly.

Tom Swifties

Budget: An orderly system of living beyond your means.

Definitions

They have come up with a perfect understanding; he won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.

Husbands Marriage Wives