Author: Anonymous Page 6

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

Amnesia: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Definitions

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

Communication People Speech

II want to go home and smuggle with my wife.

Malaprops

Ecstasy: Happiness with its clothes off.

Definitions Emotions Happiness Sex

Happier than a pig in slop

Emotions Expressions Happiness

“We had trouble with the propulsion systems for those moon flights”, said the NASA engineer apologetically.

Tom Swifties

Virtue: Insufficient temptation.

Characteristics Definitions

She is so fat… when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

You can’t have your hill and die on it too.

Mixed metaphors

Swingin' my legs from a dime

Expressions

He is so fat… when his beeper goes off, people think he's backing up.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

White Lie: Aversion of the truth.

Beliefs Definitions Honesty Lies Truth

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Definitions Health

I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optometrist.

Malaprops

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two being goulash and squid.

Definitions Food/Drink

Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

Age Children Family Travel

Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.

Definitions Marriage

Counsel: Advice with a price tag.

Definitions

Monarch: A king with a good publicity man.

Definitions

One way to get a real kick out of bridge is to sit opposite your wife.

Activities Games