Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Anonymous Page 6
The [outdoor] sculpture park has opened its doors for the summer.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
Innocent Bystander: A person so simple-minded he doesn’t know enough to get out of the way.
Anonymous
Definitions
Innocent Bystander
Bureaucracy: The art of making the possible seem impossible.
Anonymous
Definitions
“I’m not going to give up anything this Easter,” said Tom relentlessly.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Philanderer: A man who considers himself too good to be true.
Anonymous
Definitions
People
Self
Philanderer
He’s so lazy, he’d marry a pregnant woman.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Expressions
Laziness
Misconception: A pregnancy occurring while taking birth control pills.
Anonymous
Definitions
Misconception
Pregnancy
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Anonymous
Emotions
Intelligence
Laughter
Thinking
Don't stand behind a coughing cow.
Anonymous
Miscellaneous
Proverbs
Cows
Childbirth:
You
get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions;
he
gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’
Anonymous
Definitions
Childbirth
“I’d like to make a toast,” Tom said warmly.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Luxury Resort: One where a waiter expects a $2 tip when he presents a $6 bill for serving a $3.50 bottle of beer.
Anonymous
Definitions
Luxury Resort
Earthquake: A topographical error.
Anonymous
Definitions
Earthquake
So skinny she’d have to stand up twice to make a shadow.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Expressions
Skinny
Thin
“This boat is leaking,” said Tom balefully.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Anonymous
Computers
Definitions
Things
Obsolete
A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.
Anonymous
Children
Family
Boys
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Anonymous
Time
Bathroom
Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
Anonymous
Divorce
Marriage
Alimony
"Welcome to my tomb," said Tom cryptically.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
“I think we were cheated,” Tom recounted.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Page 6 of 161
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