Author: Anonymous Page 60

Adolescence: The age between puberty and adultery.

Age Definitions Sex

Sympathy: What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.

Definitions Emotions

At the zoo I like to watch the polo bears.

Animals Malaprops

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Death Definitions

“I have to wear this cast for another six weeks,” said Tom disjointedly.

Tom Swifties

My husband and I have a monotonous relationship.

Malaprops Relationships

Aardvark: In the beginning was the word. And the word was ‘Aardvark.’

Communication Definitions Language

She is so thin… she doesn’t cast a shadow.

Appearance Body Exaggerations

Let’s go to lunch, I'm emancipated!

Food/Drink Malaprops

Gorilla see, gorilla do.

Mixed metaphors

Once the horse is out of the barn, you can't put him back again.

Mixed metaphors

“That’s price-fixing!” said Tom caustically.

Tom Swifties

They are crumbling at the seams.

Mixed metaphors

“I’ve got a new watch,” Tom said with abandon.

Tom Swifties

She is so fat… when you tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Activities Beer Food/Drink

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.

Definitions Food/Drink

Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet.

Definitions Things

It dawned across my head.

Mixed metaphors

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

Definitions Marriage

He was a man of great statue.

Appearance Body Malaprops