Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Anonymous Page 61
Hey, I hope you can help me, I’m kind of up against the gun here.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
You must have ears like an eagle.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
If you know you don't know much, you are smarter than most people.
Anonymous
Intelligence
Knowledge
Altar: Place where a man loses control of himself.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Altar
Petting: The study of anatomy in braille.
Anonymous
Definitions
Sex
Petting
Keep paying the electricity bill.
Anonymous
Health
Doctor’s advice to actor Roger Moore after he had been fitted with a pacemaker
Smile: To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.
Anonymous
Definitions
Smile
Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.
Anonymous
Death
Definitions
Memorial Service
Which way are the tea leaves blowing?
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
A good idea is one that hits the other fellow with a bolt of envy.
Anonymous
Ideas
Intelligence
Envy
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Anonymous
Government
Intelligence
Law
Court
Juries
Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.
Anonymous
Definitions
Connoisseur
Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents.
Anonymous
Democracy
Elections/Voting
Government
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Anonymous
Communication
Definitions
Speech
Hearsay
Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products.
Anonymous
Definitions
Shopping
Consumer
“OK, you can borrow it again,” Tom relented.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Intuition: The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is or not.
Anonymous
Definitions
Women
Intuition
Zipping one’s lips and throwing away the key
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
Businessman: One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier line.
Anonymous
Definitions
Occupations
Businessman
Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn’t a vegetarian.
Anonymous
Age
Definitions
Old
Centenarian
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