Author: Anonymous Page 61

Hey, I hope you can help me, I’m kind of up against the gun here.

You must have ears like an eagle.

If you know you don't know much, you are smarter than most people.

Altar: Place where a man loses control of himself.

Petting: The study of anatomy in braille.

Keep paying the electricity bill.

Smile: To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Which way are the tea leaves blowing?

A good idea is one that hits the other fellow with a bolt of envy.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.

Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products.

“OK, you can borrow it again,” Tom relented.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.

Intuition: The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is or not.

Zipping one’s lips and throwing away the key

Businessman: One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier line.

Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn’t a vegetarian.