Author: Anonymous Page 61

Hey, I hope you can help me, I’m kind of up against the gun here.

Mixed metaphors

You must have ears like an eagle.

Mixed metaphors

If you know you don't know much, you are smarter than most people.

Intelligence

Altar: Place where a man loses control of himself.

Definitions Marriage

Petting: The study of anatomy in braille.

Definitions Sex

Keep paying the electricity bill.

Health

Smile: To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

Definitions

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Death Definitions

Which way are the tea leaves blowing?

Mixed metaphors

A good idea is one that hits the other fellow with a bolt of envy.

Ideas Intelligence

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Government Intelligence Law

Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.

Definitions

Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents.

Democracy Elections/Voting Government

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Communication Definitions Speech

Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products.

Definitions Shopping

“OK, you can borrow it again,” Tom relented.

Tom Swifties

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.

Definitions Marriage

Intuition: The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is or not.

Definitions Women

Zipping one’s lips and throwing away the key

Mixed metaphors

Businessman: One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier line.

Definitions Occupations

Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn’t a vegetarian.

Age Definitions Old