Author: Anonymous Page 63

Xylophone: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long; see also "drums."

Definitions Entertainment Music

Accountant: Someone hired to explain that you didn’t make the money you did.

Definitions Occupations

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?

Uncategorized

It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it in the eye.

Mixed metaphors

“I’ve gained thirty pounds,” said Tom heavily.

Tom Swifties

She is so old… she used to baby-sit Jesus.

Age Exaggerations Old

Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Men People

Slander: To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.

Communication Definitions

Keep your ear to the grapevine.

Mixed metaphors

He could sell socks to a rooster.

Communication Expressions

A loose tongue spoils the broth.

Mixed metaphors

“The girl has been kidnapped,” said Tom mistakenly.

Tom Swifties

If there’s ever a price on your head – take it.

Insults

“No, I won’t give you a note saying you’re excused,” said Tom unwaveringly.

Tom Swifties

Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

Definitions

Newlywed: What you and your spouse will officially be considered until your first anniversary, or until you go an entire week without sex (whichever comes first).

Definitions Marriage

Phillips Screwdriver: Used  to round off Phillips screw heads.

Definitions Things

She is so fat… her favorite meal is seconds.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Worst case Ontario.

Malaprops

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Autos Husbands Marriage Wives

“I’ve joined the Airborne Medical Corps,” said Tom paradoxically.

Tom Swifties