Author: Anonymous Page 63

Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.

Malaprops

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ‘focus… breathe… push…’

Definitions

He is so fat… he's on both sides of the family.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.

Age Definitions

Make no delusions about the past!

Malaprops

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Definitions Food/Drink

The bigger the mouth, the better it looks shut.

Communication Speech

“Oops! There goes my hat!” said Tom off the top of his head.

Tom Swifties

“That horse looks like a good bet at 20 to 1,” said Tom oddly.

Tom Swifties

“I wrote the book on that subject”, said Tom authoritatively.

Tom Swifties

“I like modern painting,” said Tom abstractly.

Tom Swifties

Blurt: To speak the truth.

Definitions Speech

Chef: A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day.

Cooking Definitions Food/Drink Occupations Work

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Definitions Food/Drink

Accountant: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Definitions Occupations

Rhetoric: Language in a dress suit.

Definitions Language

Vacation: A change of routine that makes you feel good enough to go back to work and poor enough to have to.

Definitions

Fitness: Salvation through perspiration.

Definitions

e-mail: An advertising medium which is misused for personal messaging.

Communication Definitions

“I still haven’t struck oil,” said Tom boringly.

Tom Swifties

“I’m going to lie in the sun,” said Tom in Basque.

Tom Swifties