Author: Anonymous Page 64

“I think I’ll use a different font,” said Tom boldly.

Tom Swifties

Small Town: Where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and all buy the weekly newspaper to see how much the editor dares to print.

Definitions Places

Diagnosis: A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.

Definitions Health

Time: The arbitrary division of eternity.

Definitions Time

Worry: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Definitions Emotions

I'm tired of walking on kid gloves.

Mixed metaphors

“Everything in Texas is bigger,” he said in measured tones; “Even the cowboys,” he continued hoarsely.

Tom Swifties

The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter but gaining a bathroom.

Family Marriage

Class Reunion: A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are.

Age Definitions

Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Communication Definitions

Scissors: A piece maker.

Definitions Things

Three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Definitions Men Sex

Wolf: A fellow who wants his hands on a girl, but doesn’t want a girl on his hands.

Definitions Men People

The history of the aquatics center shows… that the games’ organizers seem to be willing to spend money like water.

Mixed metaphors

He’s still green behind the ears.

Mixed metaphors

Chivalry: The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife.

Definitions

Ignoramus: Someone who doesn’t know something that you learned yesterday.

Definitions Intelligence

Ornery as an old pine knot

Expressions

Post Office: U.S. Snail.

Communication Definitions

Plagiarism: Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.

Definitions Ideas Reading/Writing

“Another work week begins,” said Tom mundanely.

Tom Swifties