Author: Anonymous Page 65

Good Breeding: That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.

Definitions

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.

Family Money Relationships

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Health

Abortion: Love's labor lost.

Definitions

He clams up tighter than a drum.

Mixed metaphors

If you let the cat out of the bag, how can you let sleeping dogs lie?

Mixed metaphors

“I am removing the lining of my gloves,” Tom deferred.

Tom Swifties

I've been getting the corpse ahead of the hearse most of my life.

Mixed metaphors

The town had the coldest temperature in all the contagious states.

America Malaprops Places

“Rasputin and I are lovers,” said Nicholas bizarrely.

Tom Swifties

“I can lend you the money,” Tom said with interest.

Tom Swifties

“Dorothy, if you’re going to Oz again, I’m going with you,” Em barked.

Tom Swifties

Traffic Light: A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.

Autos Definitions Things

“The situation is grave,” Tom said cryptically.

Tom Swifties

The early bird gathers no moss.

Mixed metaphors

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Definitions

He is so ugly… he has to sneak up on his mirror.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Telemarketer: A minimum waged person who calls a bunch of people on a list to sell them something that they probably don’t need, and gets hung up on because the person being called usually has a mouth full of food.

Definitions Occupations

It's as plain as the egg on your face.

Mixed metaphors

It'll be a cold day in January when that happens!

Mixed metaphors

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Definitions Occupations