Author: Anonymous Page 65

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.

Misspokements

Flood: A river too big for its bridges.

Definitions

Acrimony: The holy state of being married.

Definitions Marriage

Theory: A hunch with a college education.

Definitions

There's many a pessimist who got that way by financing an optimist.

Characteristics Money

Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.

Definitions

Adam wasn’t always the brightest tool.

Mixed metaphors

He’s a bad influenza on me.

Malaprops

Constant change is here to stay.

Situations

He is so ugly… when he walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

He is so stupid… he thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

Mixed metaphors

As the smoke clears at the devastated detention centre, an investigation reveals how officials ignored the warnings that they were sitting on a powder keg.

Mixed metaphors

There is no indigestion worse that that which comes from having to eat your own words.

Communication

Neurotic: Someone who worries about things that didn’t happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won’t happen in the future.

Definitions People

I’ll get it by hook or ladder.

Mixed metaphors

“Ignore the first three turnings,” directed Tom forthrightly.

Tom Swifties

… has eaten into the grocery chain’s luxury food side.

Mixed metaphors

The reason they call if ‘golf’ is that all the other four-letter words were used up.

Golf Sports

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Situations

If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what idiot came up with quit while you're ahead?

People Situations