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Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Definitions Marriage

“I swallowed some of the glass from that broken window,” Tom said painfully.

Tom Swifties

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.

Definitions Things

Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Definitions

“Those cobs are amazing!” said Tom cornily.

Tom Swifties

“Everything in Texas is bigger,” he said in measured tones; “Even the cowboys,” he continued hoarsely.

Tom Swifties

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Situations

Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.

Children Definitions Family

I guess I threw a cog in the wrench.

Mixed metaphors

Lawyer: A fellow who is willing to go out and spend your last cent to prove he’s right.

Definitions Lawyers

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

Animals Cats

Teacher: A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been doing both ever since.

Definitions Education

American Language: English run over by a musical comedy.

Communication Definitions

Time may be a great healer, but’s it’s a lousy beautician.

Appearance Health Time

A communist is one who has nothing and wishes to share it with the world.

Government People

Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftovers.

Definitions Food/Drink

Usher: One who takes a leading part in a theatre.

Wordplay

Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws People

Adolescents: People who never seem to realize that one day they will be as dumb as their parents.

Age Definitions

It's as dark as the inside of a cow.

Expressions