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Regret: Insight that comes a day too late.

Definitions

He was about as useless as the Pope's testicles.

Insults

Intimacy: The first step toward parenthood.

Definitions

Grasping at the straw that broke the camel's back

Mixed metaphors

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Computers Definitions Things

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Life Proverbs

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.

Age Definitions

Psychiatrist: A head coach.

Definitions Doctors Health

Adolescence is the time in life when a youngster is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.

Age

“So only one person arrived at the party before I did?” Tom second-guessed.

Tom Swifties

Adam’s Rib: The original bone of contention.

Definitions

When I ask what time it is – I don't need to know how the watch is built.

Communication Expressions Speech

Chastity: Perhaps the most peculiar of all sexual aberrations.

Definitions Sex

It could turn on a dime like a stallion.

Mixed metaphors

Taxes: A funding method which allows people to test their powers of deduction.

Definitions Taxes

Egotist: A conceited ass who thinks he knows as much as you do.

Definitions Intelligence People Self

Love: Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses.

Definitions Emotions Love

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Murphy’s Laws

Bury it under the carpet

Mixed metaphors

He’s about as awkward as a cow on crutches.

Expressions

“My wife is cheating on me,” Tom cackled.

Tom Swifties