Author: Anonymous Page 71

He couldn’t grow pole beans in a pile of horse shit.

Expressions Fools Intelligence Stupidity

Pacifist: A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fight.

Conflict Definitions Fights People

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

Communication Speech

“I clubbed a diamondback snake with a spade,” Tom said heartlessly.

Tom Swifties

Status Quo: Latin for “the mess we’re in.”

Definitions Problems

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Characteristics God Life

“For goodness sakes, use a broom,” Tom bristled.

Tom Swifties

Amnesty: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Definitions

She's not wearing enough clothes to flag a hand car.

Appearance Clothing Expressions

Taxi Driver: Worker who earns a living by driving customers away.

Definitions Occupations

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Language Science/Weather

“We can’t accommodate any more peripherals,” said Tom bus-ily.

Tom Swifties

Have no delusions about the past.

Malaprops

I'm hungry enough to eat cats and dogs.

Mixed metaphors

A stitch in time is worth a pound of cure.

Mixed metaphors

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

Malaprops

Ornery as an old pine knot

Expressions

“I have three houses, and I’m going to buy another,” said Tom forebodingly.

Tom Swifties

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

Definitions Happiness Intelligence

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.

Misspokements

Philosopher: One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

Definitions Occupations