Author: Anonymous Page 73

Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.

Definitions Family Parents

As the smoke clears at the devastated detention centre, an investigation reveals how officials ignored the warnings that they were sitting on a powder keg.

Mixed metaphors

We will burn that horse when we get there.

Mixed metaphors

Users: Computer users are divided into three types: Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people's computers.

Computers Definitions People Things

Retirement means twice as much husband on half as much money.

Marriage Money Wives Work

Out of the frying pan, into a handbasket.

Mixed metaphors

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

Science/Weather

Criminal lawyer is a redundancy.

Government Law Lawyers

“I’m shocked,” said Tom electrically.

Tom Swifties

A man who can lighten a room by leaving it.

Insults

“Those ballet students should be forced to do their exercises in the nude,” said Tom barbarically.

Tom Swifties

Falsies: A hope chest.

Body Clothing Definitions

I've been up and down like a light switch.

Mixed metaphors

“I lost my pants in the stock market,” Tom speculated.

Tom Swifties

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.

Age Definitions

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Autos Intelligence Stupidity Things

Girdle: Accessory after the fat.

Appearance Clothing Definitions Wordplay

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage; I take that as a compliment.

Miscellaneous

I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.

Mixed metaphors

Middle age: When a woman’s hair starts turning from gray to black.

Age Appearance Definitions Hair

“We could have made a fortune canning pineapples,” Tom groaned dolefully.

Tom Swifties