Author: Anonymous Page 74

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Appearance Body Characteristics

Ornery as an old pine knot

Expressions

Middle Age: When your age starts to show around your middle the art of raising eyebrows instead of the roof. 

Age Definitions

She couldn’t catch a cold if it had handles.

Expressions

He was engaged to a contortionist, but she broke it off.

Communication Relationships Wordplay

Communism: The cause that suppresses.

Definitions

Sprouts: Innocent green plants snatched in their infancy and devoured alive by ravenous vegetarians.

Definitions Food/Drink

Tact: The art of knowing how far one may go too far.

Communication Definitions

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

He is so old… when he was in school they didn’t teach history!

Age Education Exaggerations Old School

Chastity: Perhaps the most peculiar of all sexual aberrations.

Definitions Sex

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Computers Failure Murphy’s Laws Things

I’ll be on him like a wild dog on a ham.

Expressions

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Definitions Mistakes

“I wish I had something to write with,” Tom said pensively.

Tom Swifties

Teacher: A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been doing both ever since.

Definitions Education

Guest towel: A small square of non-absorbent fabric surrounded by waterproof embroidery.

Definitions Things

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Things

He’s one brick short of the whole nine yards.

Mixed metaphors

Lecture: A process by which the notes of the professor become the notes of the student, without passing through the minds of either.

Definitions Education School

I'm sweating like a stuck pig.

Mixed metaphors