Author: Anonymous Page 74

Bigamist: A man who keeps two himself.

Definitions Marriage

Alcohol: A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets.

Alcohol Definitions Food/Drink

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Health

“I got this ballpoint pen from a Yugoslav friend”, said Tom acerbically.

Tom Swifties

Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Children Definitions Education

Automatic: If something is automatic, that simple means that you can’t repair it yourself.

Definitions Murphy’s Laws Problems

“Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?” asked Tom unselfconsciously.

Tom Swifties

Lawyer: Men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers.

Definitions Lawyers

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.

People Sex

If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer!

Communication Wordplay

She is so fat… she laid on the beach and people tried to push her back into the ocean.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Businessman: One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier line.

Definitions Occupations

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Mixed metaphors

Sabbatical: A Latin word meaning, “I quit, but you won’t know it for certain for a year.”

Definitions

He's between a rock and the deep blue sea.

Mixed metaphors

Let’s split the baby with the bathwater.

Mixed metaphors

Dictator: A self-madman.

Definitions

The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter but gaining a bathroom.

Family Marriage

“My pants are too tight,” Tom burst out.

Tom Swifties

“We can’t accommodate any more peripherals,” said Tom bus-ily.

Tom Swifties

Forger: A man who made a name for himself.

Definitions