Author: Anonymous Page 75

“Have some shampoo,” was Tom’s unconditional offer.

Tom Swifties

Bulletin: Your receipt for attending church services.

Definitions

Etiquette is the noise you don’t make while having soup.

Characteristics

Aren't you ever tired of having yourself around?

Insults

Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

Definitions Occupations

If you spill the beans, then you'll open a can of worms.

Mixed metaphors

We drove a stake in the stand.

Misspokements

“I like ragged margins,” said Tom without justification.

Tom Swifties

Oh, for I minute there, I thought I was illuminating.

Malaprops

Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.

Appearance Body Wordplay

Government Deficit: The difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

Definitions Government

Sympathy: What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.

Definitions Emotions

Her business seems to be doing well; it must be very ludicrous.

Malaprops Money

Slang: Language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.

Communication Definitions Language

Absolute Zero: The lowest grade attainable on a test.

Definitions Education School

Good punctuation means not to be late.

Malaprops Time

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll – and on to his wife’s.

Definitions Education School

Get two birds stoned at once.

Mixed metaphors

“I was adopted,” said Tom transparently.

Tom Swifties

The fan is gonna hit the roof.

Mixed metaphors

My purses were selling like wild cakes.

Mixed metaphors