Author: Anonymous Page 76

Courage: Fear in action.

Definitions

“Boy, will I give you a haircut!” said Tom barbarously.

Tom Swifties

Newlywed: What you and your spouse will officially be considered until your first anniversary, or until you go an entire week without sex (whichever comes first).

Definitions Marriage

“I guess she fell off the motorcycle,” said Tom ruthlessly.

Tom Swifties

Put your monkey where your mouth is.

Malaprops Money

His car is so expensive that instead of a stereo, Pavaratti takes requests from the back seat.

Autos Exaggerations Things

The rain was coming down in droves!

Mixed metaphors Science/Weather

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Entertainment Marriage Sex Television

I got a run in my neon stockings.

Clothing Malaprops

That was the last hump on the camel.

Mixed metaphors

Exhaustion: Sufficient cause for the hospitalization of a celebrity – the normal state of existence for the rest of the working world.

Definitions

Home: A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the office.

Definitions Places

Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.

Definitions Work

Do not argue with an idiot; he/she will drag you down to his/her level and beat you with experience.

Fools Intelligence People

Bore: One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.

Definitions Self

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

My uncle died of Lou Sterrett's disease.

Health Malaprops

Bigamist: A man who keeps two himself.

Definitions Marriage

Well, that's a feather in your pocket.

Mixed metaphors

A rolling stone is worth two in the bush.

Mixed metaphors

Originality: The art of concealing your source.

Definitions