Author: Anonymous Page 76

He reads like a fish.

Mixed metaphors

Reckless Driver: One who passes you on the highway in spite of all you can do.

Definitions People

“The situation is grave,” Tom said cryptically.

Tom Swifties

I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optometrist.

Malaprops

Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

The bottom line boils down to…

Mixed metaphors

Good Old Days: What people fifty years hence will be calling the present time.

Definitions Past Time

Wild whores could not drag me away.

Malaprops

“That may cause my violin strings to snap,” was Tom’s gut reaction.

Tom Swifties

Banging on their chests with a primeval scream.

Malaprops

Coffee: Break fluid.

Definitions Food/Drink Wordplay

Autumn is the most beautiful time of the year to the person who has no leaves to rake.

Science/Weather

“I can see through the window,” said Tom stiltedly.

Tom Swifties

Traffic Light: A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.

Autos Definitions Things

He once had a unbiblical hernia.

Health Malaprops

It's so far removed, it goes right over our heads.

Mixed metaphors

Marriages are made in heaven, maybe that’s why so many atheists fool around.

Marriage

Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 

Definitions Occupations Science/Weather

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.

Tom Swifties

Epitaph: A monumental lie.

Death Definitions

That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree.

Mixed metaphors