Author: Anonymous Page 79

Dentist: A collector of old magazines.

Definitions Occupations

I'd like to give you a going-away present… but you have to do your part.

Insults

“I’m halfway up a mountain,” Tom alleged.

Tom Swifties

“Let’s sort this out,” Tom ordered.

Tom Swifties

When I'm sick, I take Casper Oil.

Malaprops

Skiing may be a winter activity, but some think of it as a fall sport.

Sports Wordplay

A lot of people are leaving the company; the nutrition rate is very high.

Malaprops

He’s wearing a tomahawk haircut.

Malaprops

Death: Life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.

Death Definitions Life

Let's do this in one foul sweep.

Malaprops

Sterilize: What you do to your baby’s first pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it on your shirt.

Definitions Family

Expert: A man from another city, and the farther away that city is, the greater the expert.

Definitions

It's a walk in the cake.

Mixed metaphors

Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Beer Science/Weather

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Communication Wordplay

A committee of three gets things done if two don’t show up.

Murphy’s Laws People

Expert: A person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.

Definitions

Jury: A group of 12 people, who, having lied to the judge about their health, hearing, and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

Definitions

Keep your nose up!

Mixed metaphors

State-Of-The-Art: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

Definitions

Good punctuation means not to be late.

Malaprops Time