Author: Anonymous Page 79

I’m so hungry I could beat a dead horse.

Mixed metaphors

Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.

Definitions Marriage

Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.

Animals Definitions

Cemetery: An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies.

Definitions

We'll mend that fence when we get to it.

Mixed metaphors

Statistician: One who knows which numbers to use in any eventuality.

Definitions Occupations

Liberal: One who tolerates all beliefs and opinions except those with which he disagrees.

Beliefs Definitions

Zircon: A diamond falsie.

Definitions

Wild whores could not drag me away.

Malaprops

I will be brief… not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech; he said 'I will be so brief I have already finished,' and he sat down."

Communication Speech

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Characteristics Intelligence Situations Understanding

A bird in the hand is mightier than the sword.

Mixed metaphors

He is so fat… his blood type is Ragu.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Communication

I'll bet she has her clothes made by Orville, the tent maker.

Malaprops

Jim Rosenthal to an American goalie: So what’s an American doing playing in goal for Millwall.

The goalie’s reply: I’m trying to keep the ball out.

Colemanballs

It's as dark as the inside of a cow.

Expressions

Aftermath: The horrible headache you have when you’ve finished the algebra test.

Definitions

The scripts needs to be kept in sink.

Malaprops

State-Of-The-Art: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

Definitions

Stock Market: A popular game of chance in which moneyed speculators gamble with the nation’s economy, the object being to amass as much unearned income as possible before one’s fellow gamblers withdraw from the game and precipitate a nationwide depression.

Definitions Money