Author: Anonymous Page 79

Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit.

Children Definitions Family

“I wonder why the hive’s still empty,” said Tom belatedly.

Tom Swifties

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

Optimist: Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.

Definitions

Acupuncture: A jab well done.

Definitions

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

Food/Drink Situations

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Beliefs Intelligence Proverbs Understanding

He came out of it smelling like a bandit.

Mixed metaphors

An Englishman considers himself a self-made man, and thereby relieves the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.

England People Places

improvise

Tom Swifties

He's between a rock and the deep blue sea.

Mixed metaphors

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage

“Okay, you can switch on the electric chair now,” said Tom conceitedly.

Tom Swifties

He is so short… he poses for trophies.

Appearance Body Exaggerations

Old Age: When you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things.

Age Definitions Old

That’s a kettle of fish of a different color.

Mixed metaphors

“This boat is leaking,” said Tom balefully.

Tom Swifties

Wedding Ring: A one-man band.

Definitions Marriage

Please excuse Betty from school Tuesday, she had a cold and could not breed well.

Health Malaprops

Horse: An oatsmobile.

Animals Definitions

That room was so small you couldn’t cuss a cat without gettting fur in your mouth!

Expressions