Author: Anonymous Page 80

That’s a kettle of fish of a different color.

I'm proud of my humility.

There's more than one way to spin a rat.

“I can see through the window,” said Tom stiltedly.

“You dance just like Fred Astaire,” she said gingerly.

She’s a tall drink of water.

Ugly as a moose chewin ice

Secret: Information you tell to one person at a time.

Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.

Management: A class of semi-skilled corporate hirelings whose rise within the organization correlates directly with the amount of work they delegate to their more-talented underlings.

I keep trying to lose weight… but it keeps finding me.

“I still haven’t struck oil,” said Tom boringly.

“I used to feed the lions at the zoo,” said Tom offhandedly.

“Don’t give me the gears!” said Tom automatically.

A rolling stone kills no birds.

Get two birds stoned at once.

A fool and his money is a friend indeed.

Two-minute warning: When your baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Apartment: A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent.

“I compliment the company that makes the Macintosh computer,” said Tom applauding.

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.