Author: Anonymous Page 80

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

Beliefs Definitions Occupations

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Animals

She makes pancakes so thin they’ve got just one side to them.

Expressions Food/Drink Frugal Money

Compromise: A deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted.

Definitions

Self-made Man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.

Definitions

Off the cuff of my head.

Mixed metaphors

A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.

Appearance Body People Women

Don't mind me, I'm just a mouse on the wall.

Mixed metaphors

“That painting makes me laugh”, Tom articulated.

Tom Swifties

I guess you could say I'm an internal optometrist.

Malaprops

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

Communication People Speech

He’s about as awkward as a cow on crutches.

Expressions

Great American: What speakers call a man when they can’t think of anything specifically complimentary to say.

Definitions

Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart

Definitions

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

Education School

Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.

Definitions Money

Toast: The only thing that can be eaten or drunk.

Definitions

Groom: Least important member of wedding party, whose only duties are to show up on time, remember the ring, and try not to be drunk.

Definitions Husbands Marriage

Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.

Definitions

“I’ve never had a car accident,” said Tom recklessly.

Tom Swifties

“Some day, people will be able to file lawsuits against computers,” said Tom soothingly.

Tom Swifties