Author: Anonymous Page 82

Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.

Definitions

Honest Politician: One who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

Definitions Government Politicians

If he were alive today, he’d be turning over in his grave.

Mixed metaphors

When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky… a woman already knows.

Dating Men People Sex Women

As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.

Accidents Age Beliefs Old

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Definitions

Neurotic: A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you.

Definitions People

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Definitions

He is so old… I told him to act his own age, and he died.

Age Exaggerations Old

Vuja de: The feeling you've never been here.

Definitions

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

Bisexual: A person who pays for sex.

Definitions

“That painting makes me laugh”, Tom articulated.

Tom Swifties

If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what idiot came up with quit while you're ahead?

People Situations

“Boy, I wish the elevator were working,” said Tom, staring up to the top.

Tom Swifties

… since God's dog was a pup

Expressions Past Time

“The jelly is 50% set”, Tom affirmed.

Tom Swifties

Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.

Definitions Money Past Time

If a job’s worth doing, make sure you delegate it to the right person.

Work

“I insist on naming the first male insect”, said Tom adamantly.

Tom Swifties

A stitch in time saves a poke in the eye with a wet fish.

Mixed metaphors