Author: Anonymous Page 82

Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.

Honest Politician: One who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

If he were alive today, he’d be turning over in his grave.

When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky… a woman already knows.

As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.

Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.

Neurotic: A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

He is so old… I told him to act his own age, and he died.

Vuja de: The feeling you've never been here.

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Bisexual: A person who pays for sex.

“That painting makes me laugh”, Tom articulated.

If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what idiot came up with quit while you're ahead?

“Boy, I wish the elevator were working,” said Tom, staring up to the top.

… since God's dog was a pup

“The jelly is 50% set”, Tom affirmed.

Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.

If a job’s worth doing, make sure you delegate it to the right person.

“I insist on naming the first male insect”, said Tom adamantly.

A stitch in time saves a poke in the eye with a wet fish.