Author: Anonymous Page 83

Vasectomy: Spoil the rod… spare the child.

Definitions

Microsoft™ is thoroughly dropping the ball on that front.

Mixed metaphors

A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America; now he’s unknown throughout he world.

People

Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.

Definitions

He is so fat… his shadow weighs 12 pounds.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Twins: Infant replay.

Children Definitions Family

He is so fat… he has group insurance.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Life’s all about ass – covering it, kicking it, kissing it or trying to get it.

Life

“My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after him,” Tom bragged.

Tom Swifties

It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.

Expressions Places

“Why shouldn’t I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

Tom Swifties

Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of fifteen cents.

Definitions

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Food/Drink

Acquaintance: A degree of friendship called ‘slight’ when its object is poor and ‘intimate’ when he is rich or famous.

Definitions People

Courtesy: Acceptable hypocrisy.

Definitions

Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.

Definitions

X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

Definitions Men People

We don't need to skirt around the bush.

Mixed metaphors

Silicone Treatment: The bust that money can buy.

Appearance Body Definitions

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Children Definitions Family

“I manufacture tabletops for shops,” said Tom counterproductively.

Tom Swifties