Author: Anonymous Page 83

She is so fat… at the zoo, the elephants throw peanuts at her.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Middle Age: When your age starts to show around your middle the art of raising eyebrows instead of the roof. 

Age Definitions

It takes a real talent to be able to apologize in a manner that makes the offended person feel guilty.

Characteristics Communication

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

Marriage Wives

“I always eat at McDonald’s”, said Tom archly.

Tom Swifties

In the nineteenth century, life was hard for Europe’s pheasants.

Malaprops People Poverty

Chastity: Perhaps the most peculiar of all sexual aberrations.

Definitions Sex

Don’t eat with your mouth full!

Mixed metaphors

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.

Definitions Marriage

She’s so ugly… when she entered an ugly contest the judges said, "No professionals."

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

A duck on a hot tin roof.

Mixed metaphors

News: The same thing happening today that happened yesterday, but to different people.

Definitions

Expert: Any person who has tried and failed – and can tell you why.

Definitions

Brute Force: When your brain doesn’t work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies.

Definitions

Cloud: What’s in front of every silver lining.

Definitions

It's as American as killing two birds with one apple pie.

Mixed metaphors

You’d be a overweight neurotic fighter too if your name was Shirley Crabtree.

Sports

Diet: Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on.

Definitions Food/Drink

Hero: One who is afraid to run away.

Definitions

“Where shall I plant these water lilies?” Tom pondered.

Tom Swifties