Author: Anonymous Page 83

Vasectomy: Spoil the rod… spare the child.

Microsoft™ is thoroughly dropping the ball on that front.

A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America; now he’s unknown throughout he world.

Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.

He is so fat… his shadow weighs 12 pounds.

Twins: Infant replay.

He is so fat… he has group insurance.

Life’s all about ass – covering it, kicking it, kissing it or trying to get it.

“My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after him,” Tom bragged.

It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.

“Why shouldn’t I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of fifteen cents.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Acquaintance: A degree of friendship called ‘slight’ when its object is poor and ‘intimate’ when he is rich or famous.

Courtesy: Acceptable hypocrisy.

Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.

X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

We don't need to skirt around the bush.

Silicone Treatment: The bust that money can buy.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

“I manufacture tabletops for shops,” said Tom counterproductively.