Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Anonymous Page 83
Vasectomy: Spoil the rod… spare the child.
Anonymous
Definitions
Vasectomy
Microsoft™ is thoroughly dropping the ball on that front.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America; now he’s unknown throughout he world.
Anonymous
People
Gerald Ford
Notoriety
Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.
Anonymous
Definitions
Bachelor
He is so fat… his shadow weighs 12 pounds.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Exaggerations
Fat
Twins: Infant replay.
Anonymous
Children
Definitions
Family
Twins
He is so fat… he has group insurance.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Exaggerations
Fat
Life’s all about ass – covering it, kicking it, kissing it or trying to get it.
Anonymous
Life
Ass
“My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after him,” Tom bragged.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
It is so flat, you can stand on a milk crate and watch your dog run away for three days.
Anonymous
Expressions
Places
A flat terrain
“Why shouldn’t I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of fifteen cents.
Anonymous
Definitions
Lemonade Stand
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Anonymous
Food/Drink
Nnatural foods
Acquaintance: A degree of friendship called ‘slight’ when its object is poor and ‘intimate’ when he is rich or famous.
Anonymous
Definitions
People
Acquaintance
Courtesy: Acceptable hypocrisy.
Anonymous
Definitions
Courtesy
Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.
Anonymous
Definitions
Wood
X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
Anonymous
Definitions
Men
People
Genetics
X Chromosome
We don't need to skirt around the bush.
Anonymous
Mixed metaphors
Silicone Treatment: The bust that money can buy.
Anonymous
Appearance
Body
Definitions
Silicone Treatment
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Anonymous
Children
Definitions
Family
Family Planning
“I manufacture tabletops for shops,” said Tom counterproductively.
Anonymous
Tom Swifties
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