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Husband: A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.

Definitions Husbands Marriage

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

They live so deep in the woods they kept possums as yard dogs.

Animals Expressions Places Situations

Budget: An orderly system of living beyond your means.

Definitions

He is confused as a baby raccoon!

Expressions

Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Animals Definitions

“Let’s sort this out,” Tom ordered.

Tom Swifties

“We’re off to Scotland,” said Tom clandestinely.

Tom Swifties

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

Beyond the question of a doubt

Mixed metaphors

She was drop down gorgeous.

Mixed metaphors

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Sports

Adolescence: A period in which children begin to question the answers.

Age Definitions

Accountant: One who uses your books to figure his profit.

Definitions Occupations

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Characteristics Intelligence

Scissors: A piece maker.

Definitions Things

He is not the sharpest cookie in the jar.

Mixed metaphors

You look like you have been drug through a knot hole backwards.

Appearance Expressions

“Eating uranium makes me feel funny,” said Tom radiantly.

Tom Swifties

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Definitions People

We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest.

Malaprops Situations