Author: Anonymous Page 84

“Oops! There goes my hat!” said Tom off the top of his head.

Smoking like a sieve

She’s not the toughest cookie on the block.

Reformer: One who wants his conscience to be your guide.

99 times out of ten, that's what you'll get.

I'm a nervous basket.

A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America; now he’s unknown throughout he world.

Crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory

Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

She is so ugly… when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Puberty: The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible.

Education: A progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Whenever you hear the word save, it is usually the beginning of an advertisement designed to make you spend money.

There are lots of reasons to love a horse, sometime it's no more than the sweet little way he stepped on some asshole's foot.

Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.

Amnesty: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Loved Ben, hated Hur.

“Parsley, sage, rosemary,” said Tom timelessly.