Author: Anonymous Page 84

“Oops! There goes my hat!” said Tom off the top of his head.

Tom Swifties

Smoking like a sieve

Mixed metaphors

She’s not the toughest cookie on the block.

Mixed metaphors

Reformer: One who wants his conscience to be your guide.

Definitions

99 times out of ten, that's what you'll get.

Mixed metaphors

I'm a nervous basket.

Mixed metaphors

A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America; now he’s unknown throughout he world.

People

Crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory

Expressions

Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

Murphy’s Laws Success Things

She is so ugly… when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

Murphy’s Laws Problems

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Murphy’s Laws

Puberty: The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible.

Age Definitions

Education: A progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Definitions Education

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Animals Dogs Education

Whenever you hear the word save, it is usually the beginning of an advertisement designed to make you spend money.

Communication Language Money

There are lots of reasons to love a horse, sometime it's no more than the sweet little way he stepped on some asshole's foot.

Animals

Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.

Definitions Work

Amnesty: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Definitions

Loved Ben, hated Hur.

Reviews/Criticism

“Parsley, sage, rosemary,” said Tom timelessly.

Tom Swifties