Author: Anonymous Page 85

Falsies: A hope chest.

Wind: Weather on the go.

I am sure I have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair.

He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us.

Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife.

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

“I’m not leaving the chapel until I finish this painting,” said Michelangelo insistently.

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Small Town: Where everybody is interested in what the Joneses will name the latest baby, while a big city is where they worry about what the zoo will call the new elephant.

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

Don’t cast swine before bears.

“It’s the quotient of two integers,” said Tom rationally.

“If I let go of the ceiling it will collapse,” Tom upheld.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Middle Age: When your age starts to show around your middle the art of raising eyebrows instead of the roof. 

Government Bureau: Where the taxpayer’s shirt is kept.

He's so thin he had to stand twice in the same place to make a shadow.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.